The holidays are here. And so is the fear of family conversations turning into political battles.
But what if the holiday table doesn’t have to feel like the Piers Morgan show? What if, instead of arguing, or even retreating or pretending to agree, you took a completely different approach—one that lets you enjoy your time together?
Why Political Arguments Feel So Hopeless
The usual advice for keeping the peace during the holidays is simple: Don’t talk politics. Experts suggest defusing tension by playing with the kids, helping in the kitchen, or changing the subject. After all, as many experts have suggested, nothing you say is likely to change anyone’s mind. So why bother?
It’s sound advice if your goal is to merely survive the holidays unscathed. But the strategy rests on some bleak assumptions: that political conversations must be arguments; that the goal is to “win” by changing someone’s mind or by “owning” someone in front of others; and that disagreement is destined to ruin the day.
The Real Problem: How We See “Them”
When you think about your most politically opposite relatives, what comes to mind? Do you see them as decent, informed, intelligent, sane people who reasonably come to opposite conclusions? Or do you see them as ignorant, stupid, crazy, or even malicious? If you hate talking politics with them, chances are, you’ve put them into one of these boxes.
This is part of our tribal nature. When someone holds views we think are fundamentally wrong, we tend to assume they lack information (ignorant), lack intelligence (stupid), are detached from reality (crazy), or have bad intentions (evil).
But cognitive science offers a more compassionate perspective. Our thinking is distorted by biases—the confirmation bias makes us cling to what we already believe even in the face of disconfirming evidence; the bandwagon effect pressures us to go along with those we see as “us”; and the in-group bias leads us to distrust and even fear those we see as “them.”
The result? Smart, informed, and well-meaning people can hold views that seem incomprehensible to us—and even believe things that are objectively untrue.
A Radical Holiday Strategy: Be Curious
So, how do you deal with that uncle who won’t stop defending Trump or the cousin who won’t stop bashing him? This holiday season, play a new game. Instead of the game of “I win when you admit you’re wrong,” (how often have you won that game?), set aside your opinions—you can always have them back—and be curious.
Existential psychiatrist Irvin Yalom argued that the human experience is shaped by four ultimate human concerns: death, isolation, freedom, and meaninglessness. What appears to be the most offensive or unreasonable political stance may be an attempt to grapple with these deeper issues. It’s even possible that people on opposite sides of debates share the same concerns while prioritizing them differently in different contexts.
For example:
Someone passionate about gun rights may prioritize concerns about government intrusion into freedom and personal autonomy where the right to hunt or defend oneself is concerned, while someone passionate about gun control might be more focused on concerns about the harms caused by firearms to children, such as in school shootings.
Someone passionate about reproductive rights might prioritize concerns about government intrusion into freedom and bodily autonomy while someone fervently pro-life might be more focused on concerns about harms caused by abortions to unborn babies.
The Art of Listening
By listening—with genuine curiosity—you might uncover the fundamental concerns that underlie your difficult relative’s views. Even if you don’t find your relative to be more reasonable, instead of limiting your curiosity to what’s wrong with your objectionable family member, you can be curious about how a sane, decent, informed intelligent person might come to a very wrong conclusion.
Instead of thinking, “What’s wrong with this person?” try asking, “What matters to them?” True listening doesn’t mean waiting for your turn to speak or crafting the perfect rebuttal. It means asking questions and being genuinely curious about the answers. You might discover that underneath your political disagreements, you share common concerns—or at least you might uncover theirs.
Taking this approach doesn’t mean you’ll leave the table agreeing on everything—or even on anything. But it does shift the dynamic from conflict to connection. When you listen, you send a powerful message: “You matter to me, even if we disagree.” That message can transform the holiday experience—not just for your relatives but for you as well.
William Stringfellow once wrote, “Listening is a rare happening among human beings. You cannot listen to the word another is speaking if you are preoccupied with your appearance or impressing the other, or if you are trying to decide what you are going to say when the other stops talking, or if you are debating about whether the word being spoken is true or relevant or agreeable. Such matters may have their place, but only after listening to the word as the word is being uttered. Listening, in other words, is a primitive act of love…”
So, this year, don’t just survive the holidays. Embrace them as an opportunity to connect and be curious about your holiday companions, even across political divides. Be curious about their concerns. Be curious about what really matters to them. And genuinely listen. Even if it doesn’t turn out that you have more in common than you thought, you will have offered an act of love.